


Sunrise

by hey_jjude



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, I just couldn't get the post almost suicide scene out of my head, M/M, Magnus is kind and wise and soft
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-17
Updated: 2017-03-17
Packaged: 2018-10-06 10:31:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,164
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10332650
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hey_jjude/pseuds/hey_jjude
Summary: “Just promise you’ll tell me if things ever get that bad.”It gets that bad. Alec keeps his promise.





	

**Author's Note:**

> -Warning-  
> There's mentions of self-harm in this story. 
> 
> After Magnus confronted Alec about the spell induced suicide, it sparked this idea and I haven't been able to think of much else since. 
> 
> Any *kind* feedback is much appreciated, hope you enjoy!

Alecs gaze flitted around the room, feeling the familiar sensation of panic bubble up from the pit of his stomach, rising to tighten his chest and cloud his thoughts.

Over the past few months, Alec has grown accustomed to this feeling of helplessness as his anxious thoughts begin to overpower his rational mind, but that doesn't make it any less terrifying.

Nevertheless, he has a system.

First, Alec removes himself from whatever situation he’s in. This became more difficult after he essentially took over the running of the Institute, as now he is often surrounded by Shadowhunters; asking his advice, informing him of the latest obstacle, complaining about their problems. If he’s lucky one of his siblings will be close to take some of the strain off, but the brunt of the work still falls to him.

Once Alec is alone, he shuts his eyes and attempts some of the breathing exercises Magnus had taught him after witnessing Alec panic for the first time. That had been months ago, but the memory of Magnus’s clear, calm voice instructing him to focus on his breaths, to measure and count them, to allow that to distract him, still works to calm the Shadowhunter marginally.

Alec rolls his shoulders in an attempt to loosen his muscles, he cracks his knuckles and paces up and down, biting his nails and grinding his teeth, fidgeting restlessly to try and put off his need for the clarity he usually finds in pain.

After Jocelyn, when Magnus was healing Alecs hand, they had discussed his intention to harm himself, and Alec had assured the Warlock it was a one time occurrence.

He was convinced that was the truth, until Isabelle was getting high on Yin Fen and telling him that Raphael was there for her when he wasn’t, and his first instinct was to run until he couldn’t breathe, to drag his fist across the brick wall until it bled.

He deserved to be punished.

Alec can’t bear to think of the worried expression in Magnus’ eyes, the way the Warlock had hovered around him, following him around the apartment with his heavy gaze in the days afterwards.

The Shadowhunter had no intention of seeing that look glisten behind his boyfriends eyes again, and so he slips out of the Institute at the first chance he gets, and lets the frozen air whip around him as he walks, the sensation momentarily providing a distraction from the nausea currently overwhelming him.

Alec hesitates on the corner of Magnus’s street, looking up at his building.

The truth is, Alec really doesn't know how much longer he can stand living like this.

Every mistake is like an added weight onto his shoulders, the constant training becoming more and more of a chore, dizzying panic that lurks around every corner, his loved ones losing interest and slipping away.

And yet, despite all this, its not like Alec doesn't ever have good days.

There are blissful periods when these crippling thoughts lie dormant in his mind and he can smile and laugh, love Magnus with everything he has, and see that love reflected back in the Warlocks eyes, throw himself into a mission, exhilarated by the battle adrenaline and enjoy the feeling of camaraderie during the victory celebrations.

These good days keep Alec going, but he always manages to get his hopes up that maybe, this time, he’s been magically cured and everything’s only going to get better from here.

And then he wakes up in the middle of the night, shaking so hard his teeth are chattering, and all of a sudden the doubts slam back into his head and he _can’t breathe._

Alec reaches an arm out to the other side of the bed, only to find an empty space, not yet disturbed as the covers are still tucked neatly under the pillows.

It takes a minute but eventually Alec remembers Magnus telling him of an emergency client, who might occupy his time well into the early hours. The Shadowhunter tries to reassure himself that Magnus will be back soon, but his mind is swimming in doubts and fears and calling out, _‘but I need him, why isn’t he here now?’_

Alec knows it’s ridiculous to expect Magnus to always be around, his job is important and it’s not like he could just brush off clients, especially when more often than not it’s a life or death situation. Nor would Alec want him to, he’s not a child and he doesn’t need babysitting.

That doesn’t stop him from wishing the Warlock were laying beside him now.

_‘Maybe he works so much to get a break from you, Alec.’_

The thought brings tears to Alec’s eyes, his hands clench into fists.

_‘Constantly having to deal with you and the burden of your problems can’t exactly be an enjoyable experience can it?’_

Alec shakes his head to clear the memory, and realises his feet have carried him a little further down the street, closer to the apartment building. He takes a few deep breaths, staring at the sky in an attempt to quell his nerves.

He thinks about how all he wants is to spill out his problems to Magnus, to have him listen and understand and not look at him like he’s crazy or stupid. He wants advice from his boyfriend, wisdom gained through years lived and obstacles overcome. He wants to feel Magnus’ soft touch and sink into his couch, feel the comforting weight of a cat curling up in his lap while he dozes.

Alec takes a step forward.

His mind hits back with the notion that Magnus doesn’t need the added weight of Alec’s worries. He’s surviving, right? It’s not even that bad, he can manage on his own. Reaching out would only upset Magnus and that’s the last thing Alec wants.

He takes a step back, the conflicting thoughts warring in his mind.

Alec is just so _tired_ of this, of everything.

In the end, the choice is made for him when a hand on his arm gets his attention.

“Alexander!”

Alec turns to see Magnus standing next to him, brow furrowed and eyes curious, his thumb stroking Alecs wrist in a subconsciously comforting motion.

“What-“ Alec hesitates and stumbles over his words, trying to make his voice sound somewhat stable.

“What are you doing out here?”

Magnus takes a step closer, bringing a hand up to Alecs cheek.

“Looking for you, darling. Jace texted me when he saw you leaving the institute. When you never arrived, I-“ Magnus brakes off with a sigh before taking a second to collect himself.

“Are you alright, Alec?” Magnus’ gaze is unwaveringly serious, and Alec has to resist the urge to squirm under the attention.

“I’m fine.” Alec says, flashing his best pretend smile, but he can see from the look on his boyfriends face that it looks about as empty as it feels.

Magnus seems determined to push past his worry for now, as he opens his mouth to respond before promptly closing it to reconsider.

“Come on, lets get out of the cold, I have dinner ready.”

Alec briefly considers the fact that it’s past midnight and conventionally much too late for dinner, before following Magnus numbly into the apartment building and up the stairs, feeling the familiar rush of warmth and smelling the pleasant sandalwood in the air as he closed the door behind him.

Magnus observes Alec fidgeting uncomfortably at the dinner table, and it saddens him to think that Alec is suddenly so uncomfortable in his home. It reminds him too much of the early days of their relationship, before Magnus was able to assure Alec once and for all that he did actually want him around.

He notices that Alec is mostly pushing around the food on his plate instead of actually eating it, but Magnus lets it slide for now, he has more pressing matters to deal with.

Like the fact that he just found his boyfriend wandering outside in the cold and the dark, only wearing a t-shirt and on the verge of tears.

Once dinner is over, Magnus gently guides Alec to sit by the window, thumbs gently tracing the runes on the younger mans arms.

Magnus doesn’t say anything at first. He wants Alec to feel comfortable enough to open up to him, he doesn't want to force anything out of the Shadowhunter.

“I- I know you said that I shouldn't push you away, or-“ Alec breaks off with a poorly concealed sniffle, his gaze fixed on the city lights outside as he continues.

“I know that I promised to tell you if it ever got bad, and I’m sorry it took this long. To be honest I don't even know what ‘it’ is, and it’s starting to freak me out a little bit.”

Apparently Alec’s mouth is making the decisions this evening, as even when his brain is still questioning the best course of action, he can hear the words spilling out of him, tears rolling down his cheeks as he pours his heart out to the man he loves.

Magnus is silent only for a moment after the younger man stops talking, trying to take everything in before he responds.

It’s long enough for Alec to regret everything.

Suddenly he feels stupid and young, inexperienced and small in the face of someone who has lived so much longer and survived so much more than he could ever imagine, and here’s Alec falling apart in front of him over nothing.

He scrambles to take it back.

“By the Angel, this is ridiculous, I’m so sorry. You probably think I’m being stupid and dramatic, please don't feel like you need to do anything, I can manage, it prob-“

“Alexander.”

Alec’s stream is interrupted by two hands cupping his face.

“Alec, please look at me.”

Hesitantly, Alec tears his gaze away from the window and meets his boyfriends eyes. The expression on Magnus’ face is so gentle that Alec manages to maintain eye contact, despite the nerves clawing at his stomach.

“Alexander, before we talk about this, I want you to know that I love you. I love you so much you cannot possibly imagine, and I am so glad you told me about this. I know that it’s not easy.”

Magnus strokes a thumb across Alecs’ cheekbone softly as he speaks.

“I also want you to know that what you're feeling is real, its valid, and it’s not even all that rare. I’ve seen it in Shadowhunters before, although they usually feel the need to hide it, and many view it as a weakness. It’s not that. Thousands of people struggle with what you're dealing with every day, myself included, and now we’re in it together, so, if you’ll let me help, there are so many ways to make this better, you won’t feel like this forever, I promise. I am living and breathing proof that it get’s better.”

There is a kind smile playing at Magnus’ lips as he speaks, and, upon hearing his words, Alec cannot believe his luck that he somehow ended up with this wonderful man.

Alec can feel the tears flowing freely down his cheeks as Magnus talks, and as soon as he’s finished, Alec crumbles into soft sobs of relief.

He feels himself being pulled in by Magnus, arms wrapping around him, and Alec curls into his boyfriend, letting the Warlock manoeuvre them until he’s lying almost horizontal, resting against Magnus’ chest.

They stay like that for a while, Alec crying quietly and nuzzling into the soft material of the older mans shirt, while Magnus strokes gentle hands through his hair and peppers soft kisses on his forehead. Alec thinks that maybe Magnus is using some sort of magic in his touch, because he can feel his breathing slow and his muscles relax as his eyelids begins to droop.

“I know that sometimes being trapped in your own mind can feel … lonely, but, there are so many people out there who care about you Alexander, even if you can’t always see it.”

The sentiment causes fresh tears to overflow as Alec turns to see the beginnings of sunrise gleam across the city horizon, and finds a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth at the sight.

“Okay, I think it’s time for some sleep, in a real bed, and then, when we wake up i’ll get some proper food into you, and we’ll work from there, how’s that sound?”

Alec sits up slowly and turns to face his Magnus, eyes shining.

“It sounds wonderful Magnus, I love you, I don’t know how to thank you.”

Alec leans in and kisses him easily, breaking off only when Magnus pulls him to stand.

"No need Alexander, I love you too." 

They make their way down the hall together slowly, arms wrapping around each other, pulling the other close as they drink in the morning sunshine streaming through the windows. 

**Author's Note:**

> Tumblr: http://hey-jjude.tumblr.com  
> (there's not much Shadowhunters content there, but feel free to come hang and chat Malec with me anytime!)


End file.
